Some people believe you can’t pinpoint the exact moment in time where you lost everything. Usually it’s a number of factors, like time, age, where and how. For me, it’s who. Maybe writing all of this down will give me some piece of mind, my court mandated counselor seems to think so. I’m pretty sure they’re just doing everything they can to keep me out of trouble. You wanna know what I think? That none of this is going to bring Hina back. No matter what I do, or what I write, all of this is for nothing….
I guess it all began four years ago.
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April 2014
For the longest time, I was aimless. Tragedy struck, and I was thrown into a new school as a transfer student for my last year of High School after my parents died. Unknown cause…even thinking the word unknown sends an uncomfortable feeling down my spine to this day. The plan for this year was to keep my head low and prepare for University without making any waves. Of course, plans always fail, and ideas shatter in the span of moments.
“Sit next to Ms Laelynn.”
One sentence was all it took. After bowing to the class in greeting, I moved to sit next to her. Even to this day, I remembered being entranced by her image. She was staring out the window, the sun’s gaze causing her blonde hair to alight like yellow fire. And then she turned to me. My heart stopped, her eyes, green, blue, brown, golden, it felt like I could see my entire life and future in her eyes as my visage is reflected, the image of a women standing on a pile of bodies, broken memories and dreams, I was shaken out of my internal dwellings and anxiety when she spoke and said-
“Hi! My name is Hina Laelynn. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
I was lost…but for just a moment it felt like I was able to breathe again, as a lighthouse of blonde makes it way into my stormy mindscape to offer just a slight moment of reprieve.
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July 2014
Two months of seeing her everyday. Two months of almost every morning, feeling like a shot of lightning jumps down my spine every time she smiles at me. My hands get warm, and my face gets hot when she accidentally touches my arms, or elbows when she reaches across the desk. It felt like a wonderful torture that I never thought was possible. Being close to her everyday, yet being so far in worlds. Even if we could be more than acquaintances. I’m aware of my lineage, of what my family is capable of. More than anything, what I am capable of doing if I chose too. It’s what won me more than a few fights in the past at my old school.
I remember something in our relationship shifting the day after I began the Kendo club. She wanted to watch me practice, I was not a stranger to weapons. Any of them actually, perks of the trade. I could feel her gaze weighing heavily on me as I introduced myself to the team. It was filled with men and women who actively sparred against each other and trained. It was new from what I was used to, but I was able to adapt somewhat quickly. Hina’s gaze only enhanced as I began my first sparring match as a member. Truth be told, I almost lost, my opponent was very good, and I was not on my A-Game that day. I was approached after finishing the match. One of the male members asked me for tips and training, and I responded courteously. That’s when my memory goes from hazy to focused.
I remember the feel of her hand on mine, gripping it tightly as she stood next to my side. Looking at the man in front of me, Kaizen if I recall, in a way I could only describe as defiant, and dare I say possessive. It made me stand straighter, and a grin stretched across my face.
“We’ll be on our way, I’ll return her to you tomorrow.”
Hina had spoken, dragging me alongside her and grabbing my bag along the way. Truth be told, I was happy to be dragged along. Later that day, she confessed that she had no idea why she did that. Just a burning feeling was in her chest that she wanted to sate. I remember blushing, if you had asked me to describe the feeling in my chest at that time, two months prior. I wouldn’t have been able to. But in that moment, the feeling had a name. A deep and intense longing.
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August 2014
I hadn’t heard from Hina in a few days by this point. At first, I had thought she was mad at me, maybe I did something without knowing it, or had offended her in some way. This thought process was brought upon by my own anxiety and fear of being alone again. If only it was that simple.
I received a call from her the next day. Maybe she felt the disturbance of my emotions, or maybe it was just luck. The content of the call was short, mostly filled with the sound of crying, and then a small voice saying-
“Help.”
At that moment, I decided nothing else mattered. Faster than I thought, I took off during school to her home. I had been there a few times prior, but nothing felt as urgent as this. What was a twenty minute walk was cut to eight. I knocked on the door, taking greedy lungfuls of air as I waited. And then she appeared before me, bedding wrapped around her, glasses on and fogged, face red with tear tracks cascading downwards. That was a moment I recall my thoughts
‘She’s as beautiful as ever.’
The sunspots were making an array of colors dance through her eyes. Her hair was disheveled and unkempt from what seemed like days of tossing and turning in her bed. I stepped forward and held my arms to her, she collapsed. The sobbing began anew.
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December 2014
Four months had passed since the death of Hina’s father. He died in a factory accident, leaving her mother widowed, and Hina without an orphan. The life insurance policy he had luckily made the funeral expenses seem less. The emotional trauma that his death left behind however could not be fixed with money. I comforted her to the best of my abilities. With my own family dead, I had experience with the grieving process. We took it slow, and after summer ended she was able to function in her classes and pass them thankfully.
I remember being so proud of her for how strong she was, for feeling and letting her emotions out. I grimace even now remembering my own parents unfortunate demise, and I commended her on her willpower. She would smile at me, and say her strength to keep going was because of me. I felt like my purpose was fulfilled in those times. Like everything was right in the world.
Christmas was coming, a gift had to be bought for her, so I did my best to find something she would like, settling on a small basket of things she adores. She granted me the gift of a Kendo repair kit. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that with my lineage, it wasn’t necessary. So I thanked her with a smile instead….that was the night I asked her on a date. To be my girlfriend. I remember her looking startled, before she laughed in my face. I was so nervous and scared she would reject me. But instead, she flicked my forehead and said-
“You dolt, we’ve been dating for months! At least I thought so.”
That was also the night we shared our first kiss. On Christmas Day, it was perfect. We celebrated the New Year together, we went to the Shrine after, and prayed. I remember wishing to always have a piece of her with me. No matter how far apart, or where we are. I didn’t know how literal it was until later.
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April 2016
I remember screaming into the rainy night until my throat was raw and raspy. I remember clawing the ground with my fingers as drops of acid slammed against my skull. The dull thud noise barely registered to me as I stared lifeless into the bloody dirt that lay before me. Fingernails raw and cracked, eyes crying tears that felt like a lake of fire across my face. My mind is numb, the only thoughts sporadically bouncing off of my mind are threats, anger, violence against myself. Thoughts of what I needed to do to get Hina back. That I wished instead for us to always be together….why did she have to go. For what purpose was she taken.
I remember silence. As if all the rain stopped around me. The pain faded, I was only left a husk…then, teeth pulling, mind numbing, aching, horrible, sounds beyond comprehension worked its way out of my body as purple light filled the area.
It appeared before me. The weapon of my mindscape. The Empty Blade. And I realized at that moment. The shrine granted my wish.
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???
I was allowed to reminisce on my memories for just a moment. And of course, my thoughts go to her. Mei. A smile spreads across my face involuntarily. I remember the first day she was introduced in class, the expression on her face was that of a painting, lifeless, stuck in an expression that only the artist themself could divine. I got nervous when she was supposed to sit next to me, I looked to the window and watched from the corner of my eye as she sat down and turned to me. In that moment, almost compelled by fate, I spoke to her-
“Hi! My name is Hina Laelynn. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
And maybe I imagined it. But I swear she smiled for just a moment, and I felt like I did the right thing.
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???
I remember watching her spar in Kendo practice. If anyone noticed, a glimmer would have probably appeared in my eyes as she moved during the match like it was her own kingdom. Like it was her court, and everyone unfortunate enough to cross her path would be succumbed to her rule. I moved to stand up as she finished, stuttering in my footsteps as her sparring partner approaches her first. A grin on his face. I can’t hear what he says, but for some reason, a heat rises in my chest and my movements no longer lag. Before I know it, I had reached her side and grabbed her hand.
“We’ll be on our way, I’ll return her to you tomorrow.”
The words spill from my lips, and I pull her along away from the now startled man. For just a moment, I see what looks like a smile pass across Mei’s lips. It fills me with flushing heat across my neck.
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???
Crying. Pain. Sadness. Heartbreak.
“Help.”
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???
Snowing, the feeling in my chest had lightened by this point. Mei and I were together, she helped so much and had been a joy to be around. Even if others at school found her a bit off putting, or extra protective. I appreciated it. The protection, the unfamiliar feeling of safety. She bought me a basket of items for Christmas, I bought her a Kendo repair kit, her mouth twitched when I did it. I wondered why. She asked me to be her girlfriend, I was so startled I couldn’t help but laugh for a moment. I flicked her forehead lovingly.
“You dolt, we’ve been dating for months! At least I thought so.”
We kissed that night. I’ve never felt so protective of someone’s happiness. As if she was the most important person to me. And I could tell the same was for her. We went to the Shrine that night and prayed together. I remember wishing that one day, we would get married.
The next day, I bought her a Promise Ring with a gift letter to be sent to her house in a few months.
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???
I miss Mei.
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